Nov 10, 2007
My Life



I’m starting to realize that living in denial is no way to live. While it may make me happy to ignore the pain that’s built up, it’s not true happiness. It’s like when you don’t feel like cleaning your room, so you throw everything on the bed and cover it up with the comforter.



The mess is still there. You still have to deal with it at some point. The only thing you’re doing is covering it up. It’s so easy to ignore sadness and tell yourself to be happy all the time.



You tell yourself… don’t let no one see. Don’t let anyone know. I must hide it, I must cover it up…. Even though I made my bed real nice, If someone was to lift up the comforter they see a HUGE mess. ..:



I been taught all my life to always cover up the mess and let no one see. And you know what? I’m SICK AND TIRED of it!!!!



But now its become apart of me. I pretend I’m okay when I’m not, I pretend I’m happy when I’m sad, I pretend I’m outgoing when I’m scared, I pretend everything is okay and I don’t need anyone when really my heart is breaking and screaming from inside…. CAN ANYONE hear me?

But how can they when I have come to be a professional at coving up this mess, called my life!!

Wow if you ONLY KNEW!!!


Don’t get me wrong, I am nice and kind and I love helping people. But I’m sick and tired of not getting help, or not having no one to talk to, not being heard when I have something to say. No one to hang out with go to the movies with listen to Music with.


But who’s to blame???

You??

Nope!!! ME,



Because I cover up so you can’t see.

I can’t blame no one but me.

BUT WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?



Face the mess I created and clean it from the grace of God who gives me grace when I don’t deserve it, for He always see the mess yet loves me anyway!!

I have found it very easy t forgive others... forgiving myself well that was a whole other story.

Here I am Lord and I'm drowning
In your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where you found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight.

The Lord forgives... as far as the easy is from the west, once He does its forgive, forgotten forever! I am free. and I am trapped. I am free in Him. I am trapped by the walls of my memories.